


thanatophobia

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Blood, DONT READ UNLESS YOUVE SEEN INFINITY WAR, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt, Infinity War (Marvel Comics), Mentions of Death, Mild Gore, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 22:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14482272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: peter lives with a fear looming over him.warning: do not read unless you've watched infinity war - this contains spoilers





	thanatophobia

It’s a fear of dying. It burns itself into so many minds across the earth and universe. It lives, deep rooted for a lifetime, or is sparked to life early. It’s a bubbling anxiety that grows in the pit of your stomach and comes out in sleepless nights and heavy beating hearts.  
  
It’s a fear that can’t be faced.  
  
It’s a fear that will creep up on some unexpectedly. It’s a fear that many embrace, years after pushing it away. It’s a fear that grows and twists into something so real.  
  
Because there is no way of stopping death.  
  
Peter first learns of this fear the night his parent’s die. He first feels that feeling inside him when he watches his aunt cry over the phone, her sobs reducing her to nothing but crumpled hurt on the floor. He feels that fear when Ben takes him aside that night to tell him that his parents aren’t coming back.  
The fear latches onto him as he sleeps that night, listening out for the sad sniffled cries of his aunt and uncle who are sat at the kitchen table, their own fears now true.  
  
He squishes that fear down though. He grows up with this new family of his, the two people who help him overcome his fears. He ignores death and lets whatever be, be.  
  
He has new fears take over. He has a fear of bugs, he has a fear of aliens and ghosts and monsters under his bed.  
  
They’re all fears he chooses to focus on. He braves himself one night by looking under his bed; sure that he’d heard a noise underneath, but when he ducks his head down, feeling the blood rush to his brain, he sees nothing but the dust collected underneath on the floor.   
  
He faced his fear, and the next morning, he proudly admits this to his uncle, who in return ruffles his hair and tells him he did a good job.  
  
When Peter becomes Spider-Man, he thinks he’s invincible of fear. He thinks that he doesn’t have to fear hurt or pain, because he can take a punch and spring right back up. He likes a challenge, and after pulling on his homemade suit, he crawls out his window whilst his aunt and uncle sleep and throws caution to the wind.   
  
He’s a superhero. He’s fearless.   
  
He puts his life in risk, he faces bad guys with enough weaponry to kill him, but instead he makes a sarcastic remark and takes them on, one by one. He has no fears.   
There’s adrenaline pumping through his veins a million miles a minute and in those moments, he feels so fearless.  
  
He realises that his fear of death never really left him when he watches uncle Ben die in his arms. He realises that same very fear is still there, as blood trickles from the gunshot wound in his uncle’s chest down his arms. It’s red and hot and sticky and Peter is sure it’s burning into his skin because he feels like he’s on fire.  
The fear is burning him, it’s scolding hot and it’s fierce. He’s so scared.  
  
He watches the life disappear from Ben’s eyes and the grip on his hand slips as he dies. There’s nothing left of him but a body, and as sirens grow closer to where they are, Peter feels that fear drown him, right there on the bloody sidewalk in a back alley. It’s a fear he though he didn’t have anymore, but he’s been proven wrong.  
  
The fear after that, never really leaves. The fear grows every time May calls out to him, that she’s just going out to pick up some milk. A fear that stops him from breathing sometimes, causing him to gasp for air in the dead of night in his bedroom, crying silently to himself.   
  
The fear comes in nightmares of red and cries. It comes in sweaty palms in class and prickling tears.  
  
It comes in the mouth of bullies, _‘you’re dead, Parker’_ and spat insults. It comes in small cries alone in the bathroom. It comes in waves and it pulls him down whenever it wants. He can’t breathe like this, it won’t ever let him.  
  
The fear bursts when he’s trapped under the rubble of a fallen building. The fear comes in desperate pleads of help, begging to nothing but the air for his life. It comes not before a surge of energy, and he manages to tackle it as he stands with shaky legs as he lifts the building off his back.  
The fear comes again that night when he’s hanging off a plane. It comes in every punch and swing the Vulture throws him. He swallows it down for now and faces it. He doesn’t let it win.  
  
The fear still is there once everything seems to have cooled down. He manages to control it at school, or in front of May, or Mr Stark, but it takes over him at night as he cries into his pillow with images of himself in death’s grip. How very close that had been.  
  
Fear is what he feels when he sees the ship that’s looming over the city. But after a few years, he’s learnt to replace that fear with bravery.   
He’s brave when he climbs on board, unable to breathe and he’s brave when Tony tells him to let go.  
  
He’s brave when he’s facing off an alien bad guy and even braver when he’s in the grips of one of the most dangerous being in the entire universe.  
  
He’s only brave because it’s a substitute for that fear that resides in him.   
  
He gets scared again when he watches Thanos turn the dagger from Tony’s grip and slice it through his stomach. He feels that fear in his chest, heavy where it sits as he watches.   
  
The fear seems to grow and bubble but he swallows it down thickly, like sand, and rushes to Tony’s aid once Thanos has gone.   
  
He feels the fear the worst.   
It wraps itself around his throat and tongue and stops all words leaving his mouth as he watches everyone around him disappear into nothing but ash.  
  
It turns into tears and panic when he stumbles forward, heart hammering in his chest as he realizes his fear is upon him. He tries to embrace it, to let it take him, but he can’t.   
  
He’s scared, he’s so scared, and as the fear that engulfs him turns his fingers and toes into nothing but dust, he utters his last words, ‘I’m sorry’, he dies, fear still encaged in his lifeless heart.   
  
Because nothing, can really stop death.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr :) @watergator


End file.
